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A man walking with a black rucksack on a busy street in New York, Texas
Photo by Henry Be / Unsplash

Listening to The Specktators (well, Packy) right now. It makes me think of the times I'd walk to the bus stop every morning to go to school, muting out the noise of the world, enjoying the beat and the message. Feeling the 60 degree weather, just that perfect temperature that isn't too cold nor too hot. Not even worrying about the future, worrying about the past. Just living in the moment, here with my music. Once I'd get to the bus stop, I'd take my headphones off to talk to a couple friends until the bus arrived. Exchanging greetings with the bus driver, who I felt like I had a decent connection to, then sitting down and resuming the soundtrack to that part of my life. Watching the houses and trees pass by on the ride to school, still living in the moment. Only for the bus to arrive, forcing my soundtrack to come to a pause and for me to resume working on something I would eventually drop entirely.

Thinking about this and reflecting feels very sublime. While the rest of the day was boring and dull, this was one part that I feel like I really enjoyed in that time of my life. That serenity from solitude.

I pray that this form of "happiness" comes back in some way, and in some ways it already has. My faith has been getting stronger, day by day, and I can know and feel it, to the extent that it makes me happy.

In a realistic sense, I pray that this happiness grows, where my faith is strong regardless of whatever bumps I'm facing, and where I know and feel that I'm being loved and that someone finally cares.

I thank God for these blessings, day in and day out. Now if only I can get myself to do a proper confession again, rather than the impromptu "forgive me for my sins" or the "forgive us our trespasses" in the Lord's prayer. While yes, it's repenting, I think we can all agree that recollection, learning the gravity of our sins, and careful but thorough analyzation can bring about that repentant heart. That, and God's wonderful and amazing grace.

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Elliott Pardee

code // theology // life

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