Amira and I after we put up a tree during my Christmas vacation to her town.

Amira and I have been together for nearly a year now, and it's been the best and worst year of our lives. I feel that we've gone through more stuff together in this one year than most couples go through in 5 years (even 10). Even so, I wouldn't trade it for the world. She's my heart and I cannot wait until the day we become one.

This post and its series is dedicated to my late grandmother, Madeline June Pardee (11 November 1938 — 18 May 2017), one of the strongest women I've ever met. We miss you and we cannot wait to see you. Memory eternal.

After Amira and I started our relationship, it was filled with overwhelming amounts of caution (especially on my side, because of trust issues that I had in general). I remember apologising a ton to her over little things, and she'd always tell me to stop saying sorry and that everything was alright. It seems like yesterday, really. She eventually broke this wall I had built and I let her completely in. The first few weeks were like we had new, fresher air to breathe. It was joyous and it was astounding, if only we knew what was to come of the rest of the year. We professed our love fairly early (earlier than I would usually do, it just seemed right).

The story of our profession was very interesting, in the morning I had been overwhelmed with my love for her that I had to write a confession (because I was too scared to tell her, in fear that she would run away from it being too early).

(and before you ask, I got permission from her to include this)

Amira, I’d tell you this but I know you might think it to be quick, and it’s astounding how this came to be.

I’m not one to jump the gun on love as if it was the middle school years, but it’s one thing to jump the gun on an empty feeling, especially when you just really got into it, but it’s a whole other thing when there’s meaning to it. Time is relative, love is not.

I’m especially one of those people to get dumbfounded at the kids who say “I love you” as soon as they get into a relationship, but things are much different.

You may never see this, I’d imagine you know I’m feeling this way, despite me not saying it yet.

But whether or not you do, I want you to know that I love you. It feels like I’ve spent an eternity with you and we’ve only just got into it, but love knows no bounds of time. After all, God is love, and God exists outside of any confines that our silly little minds perceive.

Whatever the case may be, whatever is in the past, whatever is yet to come. I know that at this very moment, I am in love. And not only that, I would love to share our lives together, I would love for us to live life together in harmony, like Christ intended. I can’t ask for more of you, you have given me all that you have to give. I love you.

You’d think three words would have a small meaning to them, and at face value it’d certainly seem that way, but study it, understand it, and you are able to perceive a whole world.

I would’ve never thought I’d fall in love again, after my last relationship, I felt like it was game over, that I had lost and that this was how life was, and that I just had to accept it. It seems God had different plans. They say in order to truly love, you need to give up on it, and I can see how.

And here I was two months ago thinking that God gave up on me, but it was I who gave up on God.

I know that God didn’t promise me a SO, or a companion, but despite that, I believe that God wills all. I also find what we have too perfect that it could only be crafted by God himself. I can’t help but dream of our future together. I love you.

Everything in that confession is still very, very relevant today. I was planning to hide the confession until the day we eventually professed our love, but God had other plans.

The same night that I wrote the confession, Amira needed to speak to me about something, and it was in that tone where you could tell it was a serious talk. That night she professed that she was in love with me, which made me overjoyed because I had wrote that confession the morning of that same day. The incident was too much of a coincidence, so I had concluded that the whole situation was deeply planned by God. Since the day our very relationship started, I knew that God was very close to us, and that this was what He willed for our lives. Not very often do I get that assurance, but this seemed very right and very good.

After our profession, we calmed down from our exciting love to the kind of content love that enjoys each others company everyday, the kind where you can relax with your partner and still absolutely love every minute of it. We just love spending time with one another, and we even fall asleep next to each other on Discord or Skype. However, we had a lot of work to do that we didn't even know was an issue.

The first problem we faced was general doubt, mainly because it's an LDR. However, this problem was resolved over time as we went through other incidents. The first incident, notably, was the death of my grandmother. She, thankfully, had passed of old age and did not suffer in death. She fought a very long battle with dementia, schizophrenia, depression, and various heart conditions. She was loving, even making sacrifices for her three children, even to a husband that didn't love. I pray that her soul is in heaven, that God has received her as one of His faithful, because even during her dementia, she had moments of faith. I wish I got the chance to know her, but I was young when she was diagnosed with dementia.

The day of her death, I had just got off the phone with my manager at Taco Bell requesting days off because we were told she had 3-5 days remaining on this earth. I was told that if I didn't come in, that I was fired. Not even 10 minutes after the phone call, I heard my mom sobbing outside my bedroom door and it coming closer and closer. My grandmother had took her last breath. I remember my mom crying into my shoulder. Immediately after, she went to my grandmother's room crying "mom, mom" like a lost child, in search of its mother. It was heartbreaking and that memory especially replays in my head very often.

The seventy-eight-year-long war had come to an end. She passed peacefully during a nap, looking just as young as she was alive. She truly endured in her sufferings, and despite the constant desire, she never gave up. She is truly a living testament of Christ.

This is part 2 of an (estimated) 3-4 post long series on my life in 2017. Subscribe to my RSS feed to get new blog posts sent to you right when they come out. (Email subscription coming soon.)

Thank you for reading, may God's blessings and peace be upon you.


comments powered by Disqus

Elliott Pardee

code // theology // life

Back to Overview